On Being Comfortable with a Messy Life

Confession time.

Part of the reason that I have abandoned this here blog is that, well, things have been messy.  And serious. And seriously funny. And not funny at all.

See?

Confusing.

Pretty much in a day, my life went from worrying about finding a place to tan on my lunch break at work (Celebration Hotel was the BEST place to lounge, by the way), to talking to the school on my lunch break about things like why my seven-year old might have stolen my NyQuil gel tabs, taken them to school, and distributed them to his classmates.

It was hard enough to live through my days, much less write a recap at the end of them. Mostly, I just wanted the days to be over. I think that some probable titles over the past 10 months might have been:

• “I Think I am Losing My Mind. No. Really.”
• “Self Pity: Mourning the Loss of My Simple Life”
• “Surviving the Four Hour Tantrum. For the Fourth Time This Week.”
• “My Stomach Hurts Each Time the School Calls My Cell”
• “Yay! I’m Using My Vacation Time Again Because My Kid Is Suspended (Again!)”
• “I Secretly Thought the Following Behavior Issues Were Funny…”
• “I Am Pretty Sure That I Am the Worst Mom.  Ever.”

I’m not trying to get sympathy.  Just being honest.

When I did actually want to write, I wasn’t sure how far to go.  Would I be crossing a boundary with my kids by airing these things for the world to read?  So, I just stopped writing.  I created this little space to have fun and poke fun at life. It’s kind of how I cope, but it felt wrong poking fun at things that were not at all fun for the boys.

Now that things are beginning to calm down just a bit, I think I can share.  I can share some of the great, big triumphs.  Like the fact that for the most part,  I silenced all of those naysayers who told me that I would cave on clean eating and exercise once I had kids in the house.  I actually didn’t gain any weight, and have actually increased muscle mass over the last ten months.  I have also developed a love affair with yoga. In fact, I’m pretty sure I would have lost my mind without it.

I also want to write again because I used to try to find blogs about families who adopted from foster care, so that I wouldn’t feel so crazy,  but those are scarce.  I suspect it has something to do with the fact that this journey is simultaneously painful and wonderful. It is a rollercoaster that is loopy, fast, scary, exciting, and totally worth the ride.

But I don’t want to shift the purpose of my little space here. I don’t want to write only about our adoption and kids.  I’m still a silly girl who can find humor in almost everything.  I still love shoes, dresses, my sister’s babies, and getting my hair colored. I’m still entirely passionate about clean food and fitness.  I still feel the sting of infertility.  I still work full time, and am still trying to figure out how to make my passion a career (or at least part of my career).

My life is difficult, but it is still good.  And I have learned that those two things CAN exist at the same time.  I don’t have to deny either of them, and I am growing comfortable with this messy, painful, imperfect, beautiful life that I have been given.

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